The Sunday
Times STYLE magazine is a weekly guide to everything that’s gone wrong with
Western civilisation.
Welcome, fellow fashionista. Here's the StyleWatch archive from January 2010.
January 31, 2010
Most risible trend
Sporty trousers. What a ridiculous phrase. (“Are you ready, dear?”
“Not quite, darling, I can’t find my sporty
trousers.”) Style says: “Always wear with heels.” So basically, you’re
oxymoronically advising women to wear joggy bots with high heels. Ha ha HA!
Trend of the week
“IVF MANIA: How we’ve all gone procreation mad,” says the front cover,
turning the personal tragedy of infertility into some jolly wheeze, as you
administer your daily hormone injections
with tears of mirth streaming down your pale cheeks.
Most overpriced shit
“Leather shorts are the must-have,” squeaks some tit on the fashion desk.
Yeah, they’re all wearing them in Haiti
this season. Tit. Leather
shorts are a must-have only for sado-masochists and the Hitler Youth.
These, by someone called Rika, cost £450. At that price, the
leather is presumably from pandas, or
from people.
Fair warning
There’s a dangerous new strain of It-girl in London, according to this fashion-shoot-masquerading-as-social-trend. They come in four sub-species: Eco-bunny,
Euro-socialista, Creative Assistant and Art Poseur. If you see any of them, shoot
them in the face.
Fraud of the week
Style’s astrologer is called Shelley Von Strunckel. I bet she wears
leather shorts. According to Shelley, this week I am "rigid with anxiety." No. I'm not.
Psst! Shelley! Love your work! You FUCKING CHARLATAN!
January 24, 2010
Most overpriced shit
When you wear this, people will momentarily think you’ve been
shot in the head, and this is the burst of blood and brains leaving
the exit wound. Then they'll realise it’s just a horrible headband by Bonoit
Missolin. When they find out it cost £130, they'll wish you really had been
shot.
Tragic fashion victim #1
Jesus Christ. I mean, what are you? Man, woman... or beast? Oh, hang on. You're just a
twat.
Tragic fashion victim #2
Viktor & Rolf designed this hideous dress. I’m assuming that Viktor ripped
the wing off a dead albatross, and then Rolf dipped it in antifreeze.
Laziest editorial call
A
sensible mumsy piece about wearing the right bra, teamed with pictures,
taken from another magazine, of chubby girls wearing fashions designed
for bulimics. The words and pictures don’t go together. Ah, but
readers won’t
notice, will they? They’re stupid.
Accident waiting to happen
Gossip Girl star Taylor Momsen, a scarily cold-eyed 16-year-old, pictured here looking at the world through a lense marked 'fabulous slutty
disdain'. Burnt out by 18, rehab by 19, fat and washed up by 23.
January 17, 2010
Most pointless
celebrity
Cover girl Daisy
Lowe, a model and aspiring actress. Never heard of her. It’s not clear what her talent is, exactly.
She’s only middlingly attractive. She uses the word ‘like’, like, a lot. She's famous because she's the daughter of someone called Pearl
Lowe, who seemingly spent the 90s hauling herself off the cocks of actors/
rockstars just long enough to get some heroin from the bathroom, leaving a
sticky trail along the way.
Most
overpriced shit
Horrible
sofa by Cristian Zuzunaga, who is possibly a designer, or maybe a pre-school
child who’s spent too much time with his face pressed against the telly. It
costs £8,663, which should be enough to pay for corrective eye surgery.
Imaginary
trend
The Cougar. All middle-aged women are sleeping with men half their age, apparently.
Like all behaviour which society finds revolting when men do it, it’s praised
as being ‘empowering’ when women do it. Well done.
Common
sense dressed up as pseudoscience
Top ‘nutritionist’ (trans: charlatan) Patrick
Holford says you can “generate chi” with “diakath breathing”. Or in other
words, taking deep breaths calms you down, just like your gran said.
January 10, 2010
Most overpriced shit
Look! Christian
Louboutin’s made some horrible Converse trainers out of trellis. For £690. And these
nasty gold boxers by Ashish are an unfeasible £270 – which doesn’t even include
the teenage Ukrainian prostitute to whom they belong.
Imaginary lifestyle
trend
Married
women all have lovers. It’s their husbands’ fault, naturally, for being boring,
unfeeling, uncaring, etc etc.
Pseudoscientific
bollocks
Balance your
‘chakra’, whatever the fuck that us, with ‘washing up meditation’. “Enjoy the
feeling of water on your hands; focus on the colours of the bubbles. Look at
each plate or dish. You are making them shiny and new again. You are doing this
as an act of love for your family or friends.” I didn’t make that up.
Most
risible trend
Clear-lense
glasses, for people who can see perfectly well, but are posturing twats.
Most queasy
exploitation
A fashion
shoot with Gabourey Sidibe, the elephantine star of Precious. Well, that’s the “fat”
and “black” quotas ticked for the year, and it’s only January. Hurrah!
Egg-white omelettes and detox shakes all round!
